Next in my journal comes a list of books that my friend was planning to use for her upcoming homeschooling. My homeschool endeavours had been minimal and sub-par the previous two years. I spent a lot of energy and time trying to flee my situation and struggling with hurt turning to fighting anger. Maybe a list of books would inspire me and motivate me to ‘set the table’ better this year.

It didn’t really. Maybe it did. I kept struggling and we muddled through homeschool somehow. There was no composer study, poetry, nature walks in the first year or two after discovery. I made an attempt on this year. I gave picture study a try. I chose a book on…. I don’t remember who. But whoever it was, it mentioned that the artist had a paid nude model and had a relationship with her. Not having previewed this book, I walked blind into this information while reading the book aloud at Together Time. As I stumbled along reading, horror growing, I hoped the kids would miss it. They didn’t. It unnerved all of us. I tried to block it out. I tried for a few weeks to keep viewing the art of this painter for picture study. And even though the art was appropriate, every time we looked at his art, I’d churn inside and think about what a disgusting jerk he was. I gave up on picture study for this year. I didn’t try to replace it. I just stopped.

Even now although this is a famous artist, my mind won’t let me go there. Blocked out. I could probably hash it up if I thought about it. But I don’t want to. It might trigger the hurt and anger from that time. And I’ve learned, that is fine to let it lie. But, before I came to terms with this, I would get frustrated with myself for not being able to handle such ‘silly’ things.

Well, I’ve now grown to the point to realize some things are not  small nor insignificant. Though rationally I told myself that this artist and my personal situation are far removed, now I know emotionally they aren’t. My body and mind and spirit went into protection mode to block out what was, and still is, too much. My mind moved into avoidance for protection. This state might also be referred to as freeze or flight state.

I used to think that entering into these responses- fight, flight, or freeze- was a poor reaction and that if I were more mature, or more stable, or trusted God more, or had more faith… I wouldn’t find myself flying or freezing or fighting.

But here is the thing… God created these states. He created us to fight to defend ourselves. He created us to protect ourselves by flight. He created us to be on guard with freeze. Over the past years, I’ve been in all three of these states. Sometimes a few at once-which is highly disorienting. But, I’ve stopped beating myself up for being in these states. They have nothing to do with something lacking in me. They are simply a reaction to a threat. It is a threat when safety and trust have been ripped away. God in his graciousness created us to move into these states to protect ourselves. It is actually a gift of mercy and help for a situation that is overwhelming. It’s not overwhelming because of our inability to cope. But overwhelming, because it is.

Fight.
Ephesians 6:12-13
For we wrestle not against flesh and blood, but against principalities, against powers, against the rulers of the darkness of this world, against spiritual wickedness in high places. Wherefore take unto you the whole armour of God, that ye may be able to withstand in the evil day, and having done all, to stand.

Flight.
Revelation 12:14
But the two wings of the great eagle were given to the woman, so that she could fly into the wilderness to her place, where she was nourished for a time and times and half a time, from the presence of the serpent.

Freeze.
Matthew 6:26
Look at the birds of the air, that they do not sow, nor reap nor gather into barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not worth much more than they?