Next entry comes from a call to a friend. I was frazzled and desperately hanging onto hope and sanity. Exhaustion was wreaking havoc.  It was becoming a serious problem. In my journal, I wrote down some things she was taking for sleep. My few notes don’t make sense. But magnesium is written a few times.

Sleep is number one priority. You know this if you are struggling to sleep. You desperately want to sleep, but you enter a fitful exhaustion only to wake up with your mind racing. And then it starts, the all night long worry stemming from the pain – worry for your future, worry for your kids future, pain over the loss, pain and sadness over beginning to realize trust has been shattered, anger from the onslaught that each moment of each day brings. How could this happen?, how could he?, why God?, how can I survive?,  why…how…why… Frustratingly, it is impossible to force yourself to sleep even though you desperately want to.

There is no magic bullet. But, know this. Things are much worse when you aren’t sleeping. If you are in pain, sleep deprivation will only shred your heart further. If you are slipping down into the depths of depression, lack of sleep may spiral you into further deep depression.

Sleep will do wonders and your world won’t be so dark. Hang in there, is all I can say. I won’t lie, it may not be tomorrow, or the next day…. but little by little. Thirty minutes more one night, an hour a few nights later…. Know that some of the heaviness and hopelessness is due to sleeplessness. It’s not YOU, your circumstances aren’t swallowing you, but a lack of sleep is overshadowing your soul. Do what you can to sleep when ever you can.

Here are some things that I did. They may not help you. But I do pray you can find some relief. Some rest.

-Supplement.
SAM-E. I still don’t know what this is. Google it. A counselor told me to take it. Normally I’d look up what something is before taking it. I was so desperate, I didn’t. I left the session, mentally and physically drained, walked into Walgreens crying. Some women even helped me check out- you could by one get one free. Something. I think they let me use their account. Don’t remember. I bought it, somehow, and started taking it. As I remember, the counselor said it is something your body naturally makes, but can get depleted. It is at Walgreens. Maybe other places… Amazon??  I never did take the full dosage. I took one pill a day for several months. It helped my sleep and my fear and anxiety.
After a few months, I started cutting it in half and then later in 4ths. And now I’m too lazy for that. I just bite a small piece off every day. Partly because it is expensive (to me) and partly because I don’t want to have so much in me that the excess just exits my body.
If you are some years into being a homeschool mom, chances are you are depleted anyway. Trauma, strips any little reserve you had away.
For me melatonin didn’t work. I tried it a couple nights.

-Holy Basil Drops. I think I put a drop or two in water. Don’t remember.

-Valerian Root capsules. at Wal mart.

-Warm milk. You kind-of want to be careful about drinking a bunch before bed. Try to drink more in the morning. The last thing you need to be doing is to wake up to go to the bathroom. And you’ll be sleeping so lightly any little disturbance, will break the rest. However, dehydration is a concern. Drink a lot before lunch. Fill a quart glass in the morning and get it down before lunch. Coast, drinking throughout the day from there.

-Audio.
At night when I would wake up- if I ever dropped off to sleep in the first place…. I would put ear buds in and turn on a preacher or speaker- something speaking truth and God’s love. I listened to CD’s of Jack Frost. He is not at all a boring speaker, actually fairly animated and very good, but it must have been enough to move my attention from the pain onto something better. Enough that I could drift off to sleep. I played this all night then while I slept with the ear buds in. Experiencing Fathers Embrase, From Slavery to Sonship, Pulling Down Strongholds were ones I played over and over. I probably haven’t listened to them in their entirety, due to falling asleep.
https://www.shilohplace.org/products/Audio-CDs-c36923644

I also found a translation of Vladimir Putin giving a great history of Russia. However this was very lulling and the translators voice was soothing.

Music didn’t seem to be what I needed. My mind was spinning and desperate for thoughts other than my own dire situation. There are many recordings of pastors, speakers, books… maybe one would work for you. Enough to stimulate your thoughts to focus on what is being said rather than letting your mind spin about hurt.

-Thanks.
Sometimes being thankful about anything you can think of. I would thank God when I would wake up and the clock was past 4:30am. The mornings I woke up pre-4:30, well, it was hard.

-Breathe.
Before bed, or upon waking up.
You can find more about that in Calming post.

-Book.
I’d often fall asleep reading a book. Just let it drop off and if you lay on it, you lay on it. I don’t remember what I read. At that point I didn’t know there was such a label as Betrayal Trauma. I knew I was struggling, but didn’t know that other people had experienced it or that people had actually given it a name. It took three years before I discovered the words betrayal and trauma.  So I read any typical books I had- probably a Christian living book, something on nature maybe. All a foggy blurr.

-Soft light.
I also learned to sleep with a lamp on. This came a bit later. It started because I’d fall asleep reading. Then I realized that I liked waking up to light rather than the pitch black. There was enough black around me. Too many nights of laying there in the fear, when thoughts turn downward. Sometimes, the dark can be… so dark.

If you have gone through deep hurts and trauma, do you have things that work for your sleep?… put them in the comments. Lets help each other.