I’d like to talk about two sacrifices. Two very different sacrifices.
I try to talk myself into believing that there is some redeeming value in a marital betrayer. And as we know, all persons are created by God with value and all are created in his image, and all are persons. At this point in my journey I can agree with that. But not too long ago I couldn’t. No way…. And I stopped beating myself up about it. I’m to the point now I can acknowledge their personhood. But it wasn’t until recently- and I’m talking a journey of years. But, as Charlotte has said in principle 2, there is in every person the potential for good or evil. Choices are made. No doubt I realize how right she was.
To help myself rectify the disharmony between my rage and efforts for forgiveness, I’d tell myself, “But he’s a good father”. And for a while that would help me sit better with the betrayal, and calmed my mamma-bear instinct to protect. But the stark reality is:
A good father doesn’t sacrifice his sons and daughters and wife to his idol of self-protection and pride, his addiction or even his past wounds.
I might add to go along with this picture:
The Church ought not blow the trumpets and beat the drums and bow and sing the praises of the priestly-father, encouraging his depravity and partaking in his sacrifice. The blood of wounds is on your hands as well.
Why do you not rescue the innocent sacrifices?
Another post for another time. But if you’ve lived through this, you know exactly what I’m referring to.
That is the brutal reality.
It can’t be swept under the rug or dismissed away or excused. We can’t forgive what we don’t admit. We can’t alleviate our own pain by making what is evil good, even if it’s just a small portion. We also can’t cover up any part of the darkness. We can’t live as God’s daughters if we are standing next to sin. We are called to tear down the walls, expose the darkness to the light, liberate the land from idols. We must face all of it, every single offense, head on.
Or at least we must do this eventually. There is the component of the sheer gravity of it all – the disgust of the sexual betrayal, the disregard of a covenant, the years of marriage neglect, and the continued pain of blaming and remorselessness. And, for sure, there is only so much darkness a person can handle at a time. Some things might need to be put in a better light just to cope. It is a survival mechanism. If that is where you are, that’s ok. Sometimes I go back there to help lessen the burden, to give some hope of light in such a dark existence, even if it is a fake light. Overwhelm from the full pain and bleeding is a dangerous thing, I know. It is survival just to get through the days and weeks. Eventually this darkness will need to have its light shone on it- by us if we are to stand firm against the darkness to heal without infections, and by him if he is to repent and admit the full extent of the evil in which he is participating.
That might be enough for you to sit with.
If you feel anger, that is ok. You should. Our children are suffering through things they shouldn’t have to, they are being exposed to the filth of sin and topics they shouldn’t have to know about, they are dealing with the immediate pain of the disconnect between trust and authority and love and honor, and they are picking up the baggage of wounds that will run deep and have lasting impact in their lives. Mama-bears protect. And not being able to protect is maddening. Furious is a better word.
Repeat that paragraph inserting, ‘we as wives’ – we are suffering through all these things also.
If you are now far enough down the suffering and growing path, and your head has stopped spinning from the shock of betrayal, or maybe you are in the throws of pain but have enough to call out, enough strength to look up, to look to your God – and if you are not able to right now, that’s ok….
Step in. Step into the shelter, out of the storm. Out of the blare, the beating, the incessant chanting in your head, the platitudes, out of the lies. Find rest, find peace at the altar of the One who gave himself as a sacrifice FOR you. You weren’t the sacrifice this time, HE was. Your children weren’t the sacrifice, HE was. And He took your pain, the pain you feel right now as betrayed. He suffered through all of it. All the pain you have had in the past, all that is yet to come. He took mine too and continues to take it, for I wonder if it will ever go away. We know pain and He does too.
Innocent, yet blamed. Perfect, yet sacrificed.
Know.
Your. Father. Loves. You.
Idol image credit Charles Foster
Lamb picture came from https://bcooper.ca/2018/02/08/communion-with-god-old-testament-sacrifices/